I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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