my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
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You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him