God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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