I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
