she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
