The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
