I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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