I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
