Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
