god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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