She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
