I met the friendliest cop last night
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
