My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
