I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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