I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
