but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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