my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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