i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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