You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
