new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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