I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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