I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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