Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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