hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
