Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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