worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
