did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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