Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
