My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
