i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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