You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
These tits shall not be calmed
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
