o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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