i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
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watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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