Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
