i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
