Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
