Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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