Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did we literally take a cab across the street
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
