I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
