I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
