I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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