Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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