Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
babies were throwing up all over the place
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
