I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
