I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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