I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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