My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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