i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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