I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
