Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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