Ambien. No doubt about it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
