I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
