i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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