my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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