What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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